Discord vs Cuil Theory
by ArtyomsChalenger
Summary: As the mane six are fighting Discord, something weird happens. Something very weird indeed. I do not own MLP or Cuil Theory, I just bring their respective awesome together in crazy crap like this.


**If you have not already, listen to cuil theory before reading this, it helps! Just enter it into the YouTube search bar, and it should be the first response. Enjoy.**

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The mane six stand amongst the chaos, their personalities restored and the Elements of Harmony equipped. They push the troupe of dancing bison out of their minds, focusing only on the lord of chaos sitting before them with a smug grin on his lips, and a pair of recalled shades from the 70's on his eyes.

As Pinkie Pie rejoins the group, after a refreshing drink of the chocolate rain, and Twilight is about to activate the Elements, a bright flash appears between the group of mares and Discord.

When the blinding light fades from the area, the two sides both look in shock at a strange creature, standing on two legs, with long arms and a broad chest. Its head is bent down, its gaze fixed on the ground, its eyes closed. Suddenly, it looks up, opening its deep, piercing green eyes.

"Let's make the 'cuil' a unit of measurement," it says, "One cuil would be one level of abstraction away from the reality of the situation." Discords eyes fill with mirthful glee, apparently elated at this news. "For example: You ask me for a hamburger." The group of mares exchange uneasy, questioning glances with one another, all asking the same unspoken question: _What in the Celestia damned depths of Tartarus is a 'hamburger'?_

"At one cuil, if you ask me for a hamburger and I give you a raccoon," the creature explains, subdued, yet pleasant music starting to play in the background with a strangely comforting minor tone. The mares all exchange another strange look, while Discord looks oddly disappointed at the woefully unexciting development.

"At two cuils, if you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist," it continues with a very slight westward turn of its head. "Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground."

Try as they might, the mares simply couldn't imagine it. They were all still completely lost on just what a hamburger is. Discord raises an eyebrow at this most recent development.

"At three cuils, you _awake_ as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have _special sauce_ fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

"At four cuils," it knots its eyebrows together and narrows its eyes in apparent confusion, "Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see _me_ with pickles for eyes." None of the mares know what pickles are, yet they tremble at the thought. Discord is showing subtle signs of interest. "I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe." All that are present raise their eyebrows slightly, and Pinkie Pie starts to suddenly start to hum a strange tune.

"At five cuils, you ask for a hamburger. I _give_ you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite." All present start to instinctively chew. "Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street, a father of three falls down the stairs." They all hear a muffled 'oof' from somewhere in the near distance. "You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You look down at the hamburger in your hands." The mares all experience the worst _déjà vu _they've ever had, as Discord nods in absent-minded understanding. "You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun." In a nearby universe, Fluttershy sacrifices a pickle to the great god Angel Bunny. "I give you a hamburger. You look at my face and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips tears stream down you face as you take a bite… I give you a hamburger." All present take a bite of their standard government-issue popcorn before he continues, a troupe of dancing bison creating perfect rhythm with its voice. "You are on your _knees_. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child," it states very matter-of-factly, "You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you." They all extend a hoof for shaking as a mint-green mare ogles over her brand new hands. "You awake with a start in your own bed, your eye twitches involuntarily… I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound…

"I give you a hamburger." Mares and the group of discord are both pleading with it to stop and answer the most important question in that known galaxy: what, in the name of the Great Pickle, is a hamburger?

"At six cuils, you ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons; across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed." Twilight takes a moment to admire the strange creature's use of a semi-colon. "John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an Ocelot." Rainbow Dash brushes her long, flowing pink hair out of the way as her eyes shine in respect for the coolness of the creatures' new name. "You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect. A. flat," it says, punctuating each syllable with a flicking point towards Discords slowly melting form. "Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist." Twilight's very soul reaches out to this poor place and its sudden, traumatic lack of a library. "You stumble under the weight of _everythingness_. Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog." Fluttershy dies is a variety of hidden universes. "My head tastes sideways as space-time is re-established you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of re-constitution. The universe has re-asserted itself." Somewhere on Pluto, Iron Will does a jig. "A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and your soul works at the returns desk at the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the interdemensional void between life, and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands."

The universe re-asserts itself, as the still mid-jig Iron Will finds himself in his apartment, which bears only small resemblance to Pluto. The group of mares wake up in their own beds and look around themselves to find their familiar hometown of Ponyville.

"Whew," Applejack sighs, "I guess it was all a dream?" The rest of the mares nod in confused agreement.

"Except," a strange voice calls out, making the mares turn to face a strange being sitting on top of a petrified Discord's eye, "that _this_ is the actual dream, and meanwhile in reality, you've just defeated Discord." The strange being floats over to them, still in a sitting position. "But for your efforts, I wanted you to have this." He manages to hold up a sign of 'live long and prosper' before blinking out of the spatial plane.

He hands them a hamburger.

They disapprove.


End file.
